Brilliant jokes about pregnancy that are great stress relievers.
Although a joyous occasion, pregnancy can be a bit stressful and nerve-wracking. What better way to calm the nerves than to listen to some light jokes about pregnancy? Between the swollen ankles and morning sickness, jokes can be a respite from all that your spouse is going through. Jokes about being pregnant are a great way to help your spouse feel a bit at ease.
Funniest Jokes About Pregnancy
In case you’re looking to lighten your spouse’s mood and make her feel a bit better, here are some great maternity jokes that will help you in times of need
- I used to work on an assembly line that made pregnancy pamphlets, but I quit. Why?
Ans: I got tired of labor manuals!
- Is there any reason for me to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
Ans: Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.
- What position should the baby be in while in the ninth month of pregnancy?
Ans: Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder!
- My childbirth instructor said it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
Ans: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current!
- I’m pregnant. I asked my husband to place the Oreos where I couldn’t reach them.?
Ans: He put them on the floor.
- Do I need to have a baby shower?
Ans: Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly!
- What is the oddest stage of pregnancy?
Ans: When people aren’t sure whether to congratulate you or buy you a gym membership.
- What is considered the best time to get an epidural?
Ans: Right after you find out you’re pregnant.
- The more my pregnancy advances, the more often I notice strangers smile at me. Why?
Ans: It is because you are fatter than they are.
- I’m 20 weeks pregnant. When will my baby move?
Ans: With any luck, right after he graduates college.
- Should I have a baby after 35?
Ans: No, 35 children are quite enough.
- How is a pregnant woman similar to a toddler?
Ans: She outgrows her clothes every week!
- How to ensure your baby is a Shrek fan?
Ans: Play All-Star by Smashmouth all day, every day while your wife slowly goes crazy.
- Our baby was born last week. When will my wife start to feel and act normal again?
Ans: When the kids are in college.
- Am I more likely to get pregnant when my husband wears boxers or briefs?
Ans: You’ll have an even better chance if he doesn’t wear anything at all.
- How many days in a month?
Ans: Each month has an average of 30-31 days, except the last month of pregnancy, which has 742.
- What hurts even more than childbirth?
Ans: Having to sing “Wheels on the Bus” 20,000 times a day.
- Me: I’d like to name our son James. Wife: Why?
Ans: *9 months later* Wife: My water broke! Me: Let the James begin!
- Me, on the phone: Ok thank you. Bye. Wife: What did the fertility doctor say?
Ans: Me: Oh, nothing impotent.
- Today at the pharmacy I noticed a woman without a face mask buying a pregnancy test.
Ans: She clearly isn’t a fan of protection.
- What do you call a pregnancy that starts while using birth control?
Ans: A misconception.
- People are now giving birth underwater. They say it’s not very traumatic for the baby because it’s in water.
Ans: But it’s certainly more traumatic for the other people in the pool.
- How is being pregnant is like being a child again?
Ans: There’s always someone telling you what to do!
- What is the most reliable way to determine the baby’s sex?
- Gen-Z on having kids:
Ans: “I’m never having kids, they take 9 months to download!”
- How do you know if kidney stones are worse than pregnancy?
Ans: After a kidney stone, nobody says “let’s have another”.
- What is the most common pregnancy craving?
Ans: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
- What does it mean when the baby is born with teeth?
Ans: It means that the baby’s mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
- How long does the average woman be in labor?
Ans: Whatever she says, divided by two.
- My wife is a “bodybuilder”.
Ans: She is pregnant.
- If April showers bring in May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
- On being a scatterbrain:
Ans: “Take the toothpaste and go brush in the room, I have to pee!” *1 minute later* “WHERE’s THE TOOTHPASTE?!”
- Pregnant women afraid of What part of biology class?
Ans: The sea section!
- What is it called if two flowers have an unplanned pregnancy?
Ans: An oopsie-daisy!
- How will I know if my puking is morning sickness or the flu?
Ans: If it’s the flu, you’ll get better.
- What is the first word of a baby going to be?
Ans: If the baby can hear everything then its first words are definitely going to be an expletive.
- Will I love my dog lesser when the baby is born?
Ans: No, but your husband might get on your nerves.
- Since I became pregnant, my breasts, buttocks, and even my feet have grown. Does anything get smaller during pregnancy?
Ans: Yes, your bladder.
- What’s the weirdest stage of pregnancy?
Ans: When people aren’t sure whether to congratulate you or hand you some Gas-X.
- What size pants do you wear?
- Never talk to a girl about periods, pregnancy or ‘women problems’.
Ans: She’ll ovary-act!
- Does pregnancy affect a woman’s memory?
Ans: Most women I asked can’t remember.
- To pee or not to pee is never the question.
- What do you give a new mommy so that she’s ready for anything?
Ans: A diaper bag of tricks.
- How does one sanitize nipples?
Ans: Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
- Are you having a natural childbirth?
Ans: Why, yes—in that it’s completely natural to take drugs to alleviate excruciating pain!
- What’s ET short for?
Ans: His mother smoked and drank heavily during pregnancy.
- What’s the best way to get a man to give up his seat to a pregnant woman?
Ans: Brute force.
- What’s better than eating for two people while pregnant?
Ans: Shopping for two.
- Is there anything I should refrain from while recovering from childbirth?
- Yes, please whine to me about how tired you are today.
Ans: Are you growing a human? I didn’t think so. Now shut the hell up.
- Why is it so great to be a test tube baby?
Ans: You get a womb with a view.
- How do you say unintended pregnancy in German?
Ans: Kinder surprise!
- Ever since I’ve been pregnant, I haven’t been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
Ans: Depends on what you’re doing with them.
- I am pregnant which means I am swollen, sober, and hungry.
Ans: Approach with caution!
- On diet during pregnancy
Ans: Exercising while pregnant is like eating kale. On your cheat day!
- What are the terrible twos?
Ans: Your breasts after your baby stops nursing cold turkey.
- There’s the one per cent that’s super-rich…
Ans: And the one per cent that manages to get pregnant while taking birth control.
- What should a joke have in common with a pregnancy?
Ans: A good delivery.
- What is a chastity belt?
Ans: A labor-saving device.
- What does a pregnant woman say when you tell her leggings are not pants?
Ans: Don’t tell me leggings aren’t pants. I’m nine months pregnant and pants are whatever I decide they are.
- Honey, I’m pregnant!
Ans: Hi Pregnant, I’m Dad!
- What happens when you eat a pregnant girl’s food?
Ans: If you eat a pregnant girl’s food, you’re required to have the baby for her.
- What’s the proper punctuation for a negative pregnancy test?
Ans: A period.
- The first sonogram pic is just like a tourist pic of the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
Ans: Everybody has one and it just looks the same.
- Is she ready to have the baby?
Ans: “Yes doctor, I think she’s ready to have the baby, her contradictions are only 30 seconds apart.
- Want to go shopping?
Ans: *Looks at swollen feet* “No! I don’t want to go shopping!”.
- How to win an argument:
Ans: a) Be pregnant. b) That’s it!
- 5 stages of pregnancy are:
Ans: Crying, peeing, crying because you peed, peeing because you cried. The toilet is your home now.
- What do you call it when two flowers have a surprise pregnancy?
Ans: An oopsie-daisy!
- On morning sickness in pregnancy:
Ans: “Can’t eat because of nausea. Nausea because I can’t eat.
- Pregnant woman on periods:
Ans: “When I found out I was pregnant, I was ecstatic! No periods for 9 months!
- On a pregnant woman’s T-shirt:
Ans: “Hormones and no alcohol. Interact at your own risk.”
- About announcing you’re pregnant:
Ans: “Telling the world you’re pregnant is like telling the world you had unprotected sex.”
- What’s a pregnant lady’s excuse for refusing to do something?
Ans: “Pregnancy brain” is her excuse for everything she doesn’t want to do.